Ask Sarge

Dear Sergeant,

– Army Lover

Dear Army Lover,

It is no secret that “coming out” and accepting one’s sexuality can be a very troubling time. It is an extremely personal experience that cannot be forced. The individual must move at their own pace and within their own level of comfort. OutServe has created a strong support network for those service members who feel alone or are unable to locate and/or communicate with others in our community. With various chapters all around the world, we are able to connect with thousands of fellow LGBT service members.

My recommendation is that you give him some space and allow him to come to terms with his sexuality at his own pace. Should he contact you again, try to connect him with OutServe, if he has not already done so. Additionally, it is important to take into consideration the environment in which he is living. It is entirely possible that he is deployed to a location that has very limited communication. This may be the reason he has not contacted you in a while. Ultimately, there is no real way to know why your guy has not been in touch, but the possibilities are endless.

Be patient and allow him the time and space he needs to come to terms with his own reality.

Sergeant

Dear Sergeant,

– Newborn Bliss

Dear NB,

I know that the post-repeal time can be confusing for many of us. It seems that, with every passing day, policies change and we are constantly looking for the most up-to-date information.

According to both Military.com and the Servicemembers’ Legal Defense Network, you will be able to claim the baby as a dependent as long as you have completed a legal adoption process for the child. Once you have adopted the baby, you will need to enroll the child into DEERS.106. That way, Tricare will be notified of the additional dependent and the child will be eligible for all of the normal medical benefits.

For more extensive information, you can log-on to:
www.sldn.org/pages/family-benefits or www.military.com/benefits/content/tricare/tricare-eligibility.html
Congrats on your new addition and best of luck!

Sergeant

Dear Sergeant,

– Star-Cossed Lover

Dear Star-Crossed,

It is sad that, even with all the progress that the LGBT community has made over the last few decades, we are still denied basic marital recognition on a federal level. That is not to say that we will ever stop fighting for equal rights… we just haven’t yet won the battle in time for your situation.

I encourage you to look for a government or contract position at his location. That is the easiest way for you to get to be together for the duration of his tour in Japan. You can find all the current job listings at his location by logging on to www.usajobs.gov. Another option for you would be to go through a work visa process and hope that you can find off-base employment in the area. You can find all requirements and processes for obtaining a Japanese work visa by logging on to
www.japan.usembassy.gov.

Finally, you can remain in the United States and continue to love and support your loved one from afar, while saving as much as you can until you are able to fly in to visit him from time to time. You can also continue to look for an open government or contract position available at his location during this time.

I hope this information helps you in your endeavor.

Sergeant

Dear Sergeant,

I recently got out of rehab for a drug addiction I’ve been battling for over a year now. My boyfriend has been more than supportive during and after the process, but now he wants to take time apart to get himself together. I totally understand because he’s never lived on his own, always relied on others, and doesn’t feel like he’s yet a man. But I love him and want him to know he’s man enough for me, while giving him his space and time apart as he requested. What can I do or should I do?

– Addicted to Love

Dear AtL,

As someone who has worked as a substance abuse counselor, I understand how important your support system is to your recovery. Those loved ones become such a staple in your life, especially in these early stages after treatment. It is important that you continue to focus on yourself during this crucial time to ensure you stay on the right path toward recovery.

As someone who was in a two-year relationship with an addict, the amount of support that goes into helping someone recover from an addiction is pretty significant. If your boyfriend is saying that he needs some space and time, you should afford him what he wants for two reasons: first, you should really take this time to focus on yourself, and second, a relationship is about give and take. It is possible that giving him what he wants right now may actually allow him to continue to support you in the future.

Both of you should take the time and space you need to focus on yourselves. Regardless of the reasoning, everyone needs a little time to reset every once in a while. Denying either of you that can, sometimes, do more harm than good to the relationship.

Finally, while I am sure that you were probably given plenty of resources and possibly even referred to an aftercare program, here are some other resources:
• Depending on your location, you can find a local listing of AA or NA meetings online.
• Active duty members can follow up with any Mental Health or ​Substance Abuse Program on their installations.
• All TriCare beneficiaries can log onto www.tricare.com and find a list of all approved treatment facilities in their areas.

I hope that this helped, and congratulations on your sobriety! I wish you the best.

Sergeant

Dear Sergeant,

I am serving on active duty in the Air Force and recently decided to come out to my family, friends, and coworkers. The DADT policy repeal inspired me to finally be honest with myself and others about my true identity. I have friends who are actively serving as well and are afraid to come out due to the pressure from work to stay closeted. How do you suggest they come out in this post-repeal environment?

– Jacob

Dear Jacob,

Coming out in the post-repeal military is still a delicate process. There are many factors that need to be considered. In addition to the various emotional aspects of the coming out process, many LGBT members find that they are unsure how their current support network will respond. If your friends are having trouble finding their voices in their work centers, whether it is due to a perception of judgment or specific statements made by their co-workers and commanders, they should be aware of available resources and support.

OutServe provides a very strong network of individuals from all different backgrounds, service branches and ranks. Your friends can find strength and solace in the company of others struggling with similar issues. Also, a chaplain, First Sergeant or mental​ health provider is often invaluable in helping them cope with the stresses they are experiencing. These resources provide a safe environment to both identify their perceived prejudices, and also develop a plan to address these issues.

I hope that this helps you and your friends in your quest for acceptance and equality.

Sergeant

Dear Sergeant,

I was discharged from the Navy during the Vietnam War in Sept. 1967 for being gay. Originally, I received a Good Conduct discharge; however, seven months afterward, my discharge classification was changed to a Misfit Discharge. In 1983, I was able to upgrade my classification to an Honorable Discharge, but I was stripped of all medals that I had earned during my service. Do you know of a way to reinstate them?

– Dishonored Veteran

Dear DV,

To answer this question, I turned to my friends at Servicemembers Legal Defense Network (SLDN) for guidance. I would imagine that you utilized the Board of Corrections for Naval Records (BCNR) to upgrade your discharge classification. It is also recommended that you contact the BCNR to request reinstatement of your medals. According to the governing statute of these boards, “a military department may correct any military record … when the Secretary considers it necessary to correct an error or remove an injustice.”

I suggest you contact SLDN for free assistance with your specific request. You can reach them at 1-800-538-7418 or legal@sldn.org. You can also visit them online at www.sldn.org – they’d be happy to assist you in this matter.  I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors!

Sergeant

Dear Sergeant,

I write because I need an outside opinion. I am a currently serving bi Soldier, and I am writing because I need advice about coming out. I have questioned my own sexuality since middle school and became solid in what I was a few years ago. I was always afraid to act on anything or tell anyone, but a few close friends, because of DADT. Now with the repeal of DADT, I am feeling more bold to actually come out to friends and family. I love my friends and family and I am afraid of losing those relationships though. My family has already hinted that they would love me no matter what (which leads me to believe they already suspect something), but I am still afraid.

My support structure is minimal because I recently got PCS’d overseas and am currently deployed … so I am away from those who could provide me that support. I just don’t want to feel like I am hiding anymore … please offer some advice. Thanks.

Dear Sergeant,

I am in a same-sex relationship right now and I have just received orders to Texas. My main issue is that I am in love with the girl that I am with, and when it becomes legal to marry, I plan to. With the repeal of DADT, should I have her move with me? I mean, its hard enough now to bring her around people I work with because everyone sees that we are together – more than a typical friendship – but I just want her to be a part of all of my life – not half of it.

–Conflicted Lover

I am a 26 year-old guy who recently entered the military. I arrived to my first duty station a few months ago and have noticed that I have become more agitated on a daily basis, and I’m not sure why that is. My supervisor is 4 years younger than I am and I live in the dorms. I just don’t understand why my life experience is pushed aside — I feel like I am treated like a toddler. What can I do? — UNDER-APPRECIATED DORM DWELLER